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My Personal Story of Incest
This is a very personal journey of survival and healing, I hope to inspire and give insight.
(incest – refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons (often within the immediate family) that is illegal or socially taboo.)
I was adopted as an infant into a family. I was one year old when the adoption process was completed and I went home to live with them. When I was four or five years old, the first attack of incest against me occurred. As an infant I developed the same bonds with my mom and dad as if they were actually my parents. The incest attacks were all very brutal, gradually as I grew up even more painful, my father used cruel malicious mind games against me and twisted the truth and twisted my thoughts to suit his needs. I was beaten unconscious on several occasions, on 3 different occasions he beat me so badly I thought I was dying. He had 2 natural born children and at one point he put a gun to my brothers head and said he was going to blow their minds out. We, including mom, were beaten and abused every day. I won’t talk about specifics because it is not beneficial in any way and would only attract predators and repel survivors because it would be too shocking and too painful to read.
For the first 3 or 4 years of my life I think it was normal. For the next 8 to 9 years I experienced unspeakable horrors at the hands of a Psychopath Pedophile. As a pre-teen I would fight and curse at him and he would beat me mercilessly. I ran away several times and each time I was brought back home once by the police and once by a concerned family. The severity and duration of this level of abuse broke me inside, it broke me mentally into a million different pieces, all of those pieces were damaged and put into his mind manipulations. At age 12, the last incest attack on me ended my reign of terror because my father left and moved to California to work at an elementary school as a bus driver.
What follows is my journey through the devastation of what had happened and my gradual recovery. By sharing this with the world, I hope to reach other survivors to inspire and perhaps gain insight into the recovery process. Not everyone will be able to relate to me, not everyone’s abuse was that severe, some survived much worse. No matter what stage of survival you come out of, I still hope that by sharing my struggles and healing journey with you, you can find inspiration and take away some ideas or some knowledge from it that will touch your life and help.
During my 8 years of inbreeding, my only goal was to survive to become an adult so I could escape and be free. (I didn’t know then that being single would mean 8 years of hard work in intensive therapy sessions.) As a child I clung to the belief that somewhere, somehow I could find a place and people who would love me and not mistreat me . I clung to that belief. it helped protect my sanity and that incredible hope also helped keep me alive. When I was very young and the incest attacks would happen, I would suppress his memory as soon as the attack stopped. I didn’t know it had happened. I became more and more wary and terrified of something trying to destroy me, but I couldn’t tell you what it was. As the incest attacks continued, I learned how to completely disconnect from my body and even sometimes remembered a sensation of floating and looking up at the scene. I became a very light sleeper and the slightest sounds would wake me up immediately. Gradually the full weight and weight of the memories and countless bouts of inbreeding came into full consciousness and I began an impossible task of suppressing the thoughts and trying to maintain control of the utter chaos in my mind. My disconnections from my body during the abuse were a relief and helped me survive, but I slowly realized that I maintained a level of disconnection from my body all the time. This was a problem because someone held my hand once or twice and I looked down with a sense of sudden realization that I had a hand and it was so tiny and warm in his hand. I will talk more about this in a future post.
I tried as a child to stop the abuse by telling friends, strangers, teachers. I told a police officer in Louisiana that I was being abused and he did nothing to help me and took me home because I was running away and my father saw me being delivered home in a police car and later beat me until I passed out. I told my mom, grandma and neighbors that I am being abused and no one helped me, they turned their backs on me and my grandma beat me so bad accusing me while calling me. I was so alone.
(side line here: if a child tells you that they are being abused by their father, the last person you call is the dad or the family. You are putting the child’s very life at risk, because in my case my father took special pleasure who beat me so fiercely on those occasions that I thought he was killing me, I blacked out and thought I was dying.)
So when a concerned person who I had told I was being abused called Child Welfare, I was doing well in high school and when I was pulled from class in the counselor’s office I was so scared for my life, that’s when my first and only intervention came. too late…because at one point my father had held a shotgun to my brothers head and told my brother he was going to blow his brains out so I decided this man was probably going to kill one or all of us. So I did what I felt I had to do and denied everything, crying hysterically. that the social worker begged me to come forward and they would protect me but I didn’t see how and my fears were so ingrained in me and after I had lived so long why should I risk being murdered by this evil man when I was so close to freedom so I refused everything, in tears, in absolute fear for my life. It was too late.
My mother and father divorced when I was 12 his last abuse was public humiliation. But at 17 I moved out of my hometown and out of all these people’s lives for nine years I never spoke to anyone in my family. As for my father, I chose never to speak to him again.
So if you find yourself in the middle of abuse, seek help, it pays to be safe and from the 70’s when I was trying to get help to now, there is more awareness of incest and more facilities to reach out for help. I hope my writings help give you hope on your healing journey.
My experience left me with complete chaos inside my mind and a body that was numb and out of reality. All the thundering extreme and very intense feelings of pain, shame, humiliation, disgust, all these kinds of feelings are common and with time and counseling they become like a faint whisper that you can barely hear and when you walk in the dark, believe you will find the end of the tunnel and come out into the light and your heart will soar with joy, peace and love. I know because I’m out in the light and I’ve been out in the summer sun for many, many years, it really does get easier. Wait and be inspired by me. I came back into the dark to write about you, to hold your hand and say come with me out of the dark and into the summer sun. Be brave and walk with me on this journey you are no longer alone.
Let me tell you, from my heart to yours, you need to seek professional help and commit to never being like these people. Never let the abuser win. Incest is generational abuse, take your stand here and now, don’t let incest pass from you to your children’s generations. Now begins your true journey to healing and recovery. Be brave and take it slowly, this is not something that can be rushed.
In Dallas you can look for the Pastoral Counseling and Training Center and also the Association for Incest Rehabilitation. Both of these services were instrumental in my recovery. My heartfelt blog is not intended to replace professional help. Books to read…Nobody’s Ever Cryed for Me, Wounded Heart, Bold Love, The Shack.
You cannot know, right now, how deeply your abuse has changed your thinking, your behavior, your belief systems, your sexuality, your self-worth, your self-worth, your future relationships, everything about you has changed from your assailant, but now it’s time to make it up to lost ground. Take back your thoughts by doing this: think about its origin to find out if it is based on the truth or the lies of the abuser.
These are simple examples, there are much deeper and more complex thoughts within all of us:
I used to think I deserved to be abused. Well, that’s not true. It is a lie from my father that he used as part of his mind control over me.
I used to think I was a bad person and somehow it was my fault. Well that’s not true. It’s a lie my father made up again to shame me and control me.
Look for the thoughts you have and write them down, do it with the guidance of a counselor, it’s for your safety and to make sure you understand the truth. Take that thought or belief back to its origin and discover whether it is based on truth or lies and thus you truly begin to break free.
The Dallas Pastoral Counseling and Education Center as well as The Family Place are great services to look into. Another great book, “The Shack”.
Our thoughts become our behavior, start reclaiming your thoughts from the abusers control and in a future post I will discuss behaviors….
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes. you will rise again whole and renewed.
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