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The Psychology of Friendship & Success
One of the main reasons most people fail to achieve their ultimate goals and dreams in life is because they are not emotionally and psychologically prepared to handle the loneliness and isolation necessary to evolve to the next level of success. When your friends call and ask you to go to the movies, grab a bite to eat, or hang out at your favorite club, you’ll be forced to decide whether spending time with them is the best use of your time or not, because having 2 exams and research paper within a week. Most of us make the wrong decision many times before we do what is ultimately best to achieve our goals.
I’ll tell you a secret. When you are between stages of development towards your next level of success, this is when you are most likely to be isolated from family and friends. You are mentally in a cocoon. Listen carefully to understand what is happening to you. There are many habits from your old lifestyle that you need to get rid of before you can move to the next level. For example, if you often partied until late in the morning, drank too much alcohol, or had too many sexual partners, these habits may prevent you from focusing as intensely on your academic or career goals. that’s what it takes to succeed.
Like most people, you will initially struggle with the “old me” and the “new me” trying to emerge. Instead of turning down your friend’s invitation to go out and hang out, you say yes and wake up the next morning thinking, “Why the hell did I go out last night?” Now people who are already where you want to be won’t find it attractive to befriend you. These people mean it. They are much further on their way to success. They are not interested in people or activities that distract them from achieving their goals. When you psychologically become one of them, you will find that the doors of new friendships open to welcome you. It’s not so much that these people are your friends as I will say; it’s just that you share the same psyche of interests and experiences and will be able to talk to each other and discuss important issues.
These are some points to consider as you try to keep your friendship on the path to achieving your dreams:
1. True friendships never die, they may seem to fade away during periods of significant change – but remember this is a necessary transitional phase to give you the space you need to grow. True friendships stand the test of time as you adjust to your new role in life. Don’t let someone else’s perception of who you should be and how you should act stop you from making the necessary changes to make your dreams a reality.
2. When you reconnect with your old friends, things will never be the same. Friendship will retain the most important roots that will bind you together, such as being able to share your most intimate secrets or play poker. The love will remain pure, but you will enjoy your time together and apart.
3. As women, we say too much about our personal, intimate, private matters to other women. We talk about the size and shape of our partner’s penis, how often we have sex, every detail of our conversations with our lovers, and how much we hate our bodies within days of meeting each other. As a psychologist, I know that women’s brains are biologically wired to share secrets and gossip, but in order to compete in the business arena, we must learn to separate our personal lives from our professional lives. Keeping an emotional distance from others will allow us to get along much better as acquaintances and business partners. I can’t count the times I didn’t have to expose my midriff when trying to fit in or meeting a new acquaintance.
4. Loyalty, honesty, trust and favor take time to develop in any relationship and friendship is no exception to the rule. Don’t make the mistake of expecting too much from a friendship too soon. A shared interest in yoga, a book club, or salsa dancing doesn’t mean that person needs to be entrusted with the key to your home or know the intimate details of your new romance. When you share personal information with the wrong person, you give them ammunition to make it more difficult to achieve your goals.
5. Be aware of the fact that the interests that make you and your friends “friends”– also have the potential to make you and your friend mortal enemies. Friends usually find the same type of guy attractive, have the same taste in clothes, and have similar career interests or abilities. For example, let’s say you and your boyfriend meet the same great guy at the same time, but he chooses your boyfriend over you. They marry, have children and live happily ever after in la la land. Can you really be happy for her? If you are truly happy with your life and who you are, you might be happy for your boyfriend; otherwise, you may experience feelings of jealousy and insecurity. If you and your friend apply to graduate school and your friend gets accepted and you get rejected, it will affect your friendship.
6. Friends sometimes unintentionally sabotage your success. Some people believe that if you want to lose weight and create an exercise routine, it’s best to hang out with a boyfriend. I personally think this is a big mistake. If you start losing weight and your friend isn’t losing weight, she may start discouraging you from exercising by suggesting other activities. If your friend is not doing well in school, they may use creative ways to distract you from studying. Unfortunately, if your friend has trouble maintaining or attracting a loving relationship, she may do and say negative things to undermine your relationship with your partner.
7. Friends can be awkward in friendship when roles are reversed; if you develop from an ugly, stupid or fat friend, your friend may feel embarrassed. If your boyfriend has always been the one to attract male attention and suddenly you become “pretty”, trust me, this change will have an impact on the friendship. If the friendship is true, your friend will adapt and your bond will become even stronger.
8. Be aware of friends who are envious or jealous of your ambition and success. I have found that most people are not consciously aware of insecurities or motives to destroy you and ultimately the friendship. But remember that you will inadvertently leave people behind on your path to success. As you grow and develop, many people will become insecure bonds that bind their relationship to you. Your friends don’t know their role or where they fit into your new life, and in many cases this uncertainty will cause them to do and say things that hurt you in a twisted attempt to save the friendship.
9. Don’t be afraid to let go of friends and family members who cannot accept and respect the person you have now blossomed into. You will find friends from your past who will only want to talk about the good old days when you were drunk, broke, heartbroken and down. You will know them because they will often say, “Remember when…” No matter how much it hurts, you have to cut people out of your life who refuse to see not only the old me, but also the new me. A former best friend told me, “Sandy, who do you think you are? You’re just a poor black girl from Detroit with a GED who thinks she’s somebody. I can’t wait for you to see that you’re nobody special and you know your place in life .”
10. Your friends, buddies, people you associate with or whatever you want to call them – are the truest reflection of who you are and what you think about yourself. If you surround yourself with people who are untrustworthy, it’s because you feel you deserve their friendship. You don’t choose your family, but you sure do choose your friends. The most important thing is to look at yourself deeply and soulfully. Would you like me as a friend? Do you tell secrets that your friends ask you not to tell? Are you flirting with your friend’s husband or boyfriend? Deep down, are you jealous of your friend’s success or happiness? You have to be a real friend to have a real friend. Know thyself. If you are not happy and confident in who you are, it will be very difficult for you to find true friendship.
11. An honest, loyal, true friend is a person who is happy with himself, confident and has extremely high self-esteem. People who live their dreams and are true to their calling are the best friends.
12. Finally, my brother General George always says (and I agree with him) that people always reveal their knife before they stab you in the back. Listen and pay close attention to what your friends are saying and doing. If he betrays another friend, it is an indicator that he will betray you too. It is very rare that we are surprised by someone’s behavior.
13. Sometimes the universe, life, or God (whatever concept resonates with your spirit) isolates you from other people to allow you to focus on your purpose in life. What may be perceived as jealousy or disagreements are actually “spiritual events” that are used to remove social and emotional distractions from your life. In the purest and deepest spiritual sense, it is no one’s fault when relationships dissolve. Your friend can no longer accompany you on your journey to success. They are not destined to go where you go, but that doesn’t mean they were never meant to be a part of your life and who you end up becoming as a person. Always be positive and wish them the best.
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