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Rant – Move Over Dennis Miller – I’ve Got Some Things to Say About Health, Fitness and Nutrition

Time to get some health, fitness and nutrition stuff off my chest. You may not agree with all of them (or any!) but hopefully they will make you think!

Rant #1 – Why does everything make us fat or give us cancer?

It seems we can’t eat or drink anything these days without being told it will make us fat or cause cancer.

We try to eat canned tuna to eat less fat and we get mercury poisoning. We eat fruits and vegetables for vitamins and fiber, and pesticides give us tumors. We eat chicken and get mad chicken disease and farmed salmon now gives you swine flu. Wine is good or bad for you depending on whether you eat it with cheese or crackers!

What happened to the good old days when we got fat from too much cake and got sick from eating too much wall paint? Now I heard that you can get cancer if you are afraid of getting cancer.

Rant #2 – Low Carb Beer

Do beer companies really believe they can convince people they are selling diet beer? With all the talk about who has 1 gram less carbs per tablespoon than the other person, they seem to forget that it’s actually the ALCOHOL in their product that makes you fat!

Not only does alcohol essentially shut down your fat-burning enzymes, but it’s also preferentially stored as fat and severely disrupts your body’s production of muscle-building hormones like testosterone.

I think saying “low carb” sounds better than “watered down”. Next, they’ll add caffeine and Gatorade to it and call it a “high-performance beer.”

Rant #3 – “nutrient of the week” hype marketing

Have you heard? Froot Loops are now healthy because they have added calcium! They have added calcium because someone decided to add a big bag of chalk to the sugar mash they make it from. Now you can feed it to your sugar-crazed ADD kids with a clear conscience because it is now healthy for them because it contains CALCIUM.

I await the day when a clever marketer takes a piece of ordinary blackboard chalk and sells it as a “Calcium Stir Stick” for your coffee.

I also love it when a product that has been around for 30 years suddenly claims it is now “fat free” or “low carb” when it always has been and everyone knows it. “Fat Free” or “Low-Carb” water is not the revolutionary product it was made out to be.

But what really takes the cake are the vitamin companies who proudly jump on the nutrient bandwagon and shout, “See! We’ve had it all along!” when their pills are so tightly compressed and unabsorbable, you can still read the brand name on them when they come out the other end (I have this on good authority from a certain Port-o-Potty specialist I know)!

Rant #5 – Making low carb foods from foods that shouldn’t be low carb

Orange juice just shouldn’t be low carb. I don’t care what they say. If I want low carb orange juice, I add my own water instead of paying the juice company to add it for me and charging me extra for the privilege. That’s all I have to say about it.

Rant #6 – Trying to pass off junk food as healthy

Pork Rinds Lite – now with 25% less fat, sodium, cholesterol, lead and cyanide.

Even if you take some token percentage of the bad stuff out of bad food, it will still be bad food. It’s like buying reduced-fat lard – it’s still lard. He just has a nicer name now. Anyway, it’s so easy to reduce the fat in a serving by making the portion smaller, what’s the point? Who sits down and eats just 3 cheese doodles?

When I eat a food that I know is bad, I know it’s bad, but sometimes I eat it anyway. I’m not an idiot. I’m not going to sue you for making junk food. Nobody’s putting a gun to my head to eat it. I don’t believe for a second that slightly reducing the “perceived nastiness” of a food somehow makes it “healthy” now. So please don’t try to sugarcoat this delicious garbage unless it’s for the taste.

Rant #7 – The Amazing Diet Patch

The only way to lose weight with the Diet Patch is to take it by mouth. ‘Nuff said.

Rant #8 – Expensive urine and other supplements to beat

To this day, there are doctors who believe that taking vitamins will only lead to expensive urine. He believes that you can get all the vitamins and minerals you need in a balanced diet. Unfortunately, the only balanced diet some people get is when they try to carry 3 dishes to the table in one hand.

Jumping straight to prescribing expensive drugs to mask symptoms to people who are probably just desperate for basic nutrition is the epitome of expensive urine in my opinion.

And then there’s creatine. You may remember the uproar a few years ago when some “don’t mess with the facts” media jumped on a story about the death of some high school wrestlers. They were taking creatine to improve their performance, so obviously it must have killed them. It certainly wasn’t because they indulged in long steam baths in rubber suits and exercised intensely without drinking enough water to desperately gain weight for the match. It must have been the awful supplement that did it, because no one ever died of catastrophic dehydration or heatstroke, right?

Let me clarify – there is nothing dangerous about creatine. It is a natural substance that is already present in your body in abundance. It is found in every piece of meat you eat. The only way creatine can hurt you is if someone drops a bucket on your foot.

Supplements only seem to make the news when someone says something bad about them, regardless of whether it’s true or not.

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