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The Forward Bend

From booing to sexism in the workplace and on the street, I’ve been there. I am in a comfortable place now. But you’ll name me because I don’t dress properly. Or should I say, what do you want me to be or any woman? I have countless stories of feeling objectified, from bad remarks to stares on trotted streets – when my personality and experiences have been attributed to women. I’m pretty sure you’re objectifying me now when you look at me. Let me share with you my first and last experience with the male gaze.

the first time

It first happened to me when I was about 14 or 15 years old. I had just finished my end-of-year exams when my parents allowed me to enjoy my time outside.

I was walking down the street at the end of a dimly lit alley at night when a man walked up behind me. He said I was beautiful and asked how old I was. I answered him with a smile, because I was over the burden of exams, in a good mood, and being a friendly person, I didn’t mind talking to strangers. I’m in a good mood; the weather is fine. He asked me to do some gymnastics positions in a friendly daredevil way, and I duly agreed to the forward bend position, keeping my torso above the ground and my weight on my head. Just as I was gloating at my physical ability to hold my position, I felt a cold hand caress my back.

For the first time, I felt a strange chill run down my spine as I pushed my aggressor away and ran, even though he managed to mumble an apology. This is the first time I’ve paid so much attention to my body and all of its components, and having them embarrasses me and makes me want to disappear into thin air. At that moment I didn’t feel like anyone, just flesh without a face and without a name. Somehow, I managed to convince myself it wouldn’t happen again, but something deep inside told me it wouldn’t be the last time.

latest experience (not least)

The last time a man objectified me was last night. I just got off the train and was on my way home. Around 10:30pm, it was already dark. The road from the station to my house is very lively. Even at 10:30pm there were a lot of people on the street. I plugged in my headphones and started walking home. Even while doing this, I always look back to see if there are any unexpected visitors.

Once, I looked down and found two shadows behind me. Looking back, I quickened my pace and saw two men approaching me. I was visibly shocked by the growing distance between them and me, but fearing the worst, I waited for them to make the first move. I was surprised to see one of them suddenly leaning in close to my ear and moaning, “Beautiful body.” I turned around, gritted my teeth, and said nothing, turning around and punching him in the face. But I don’t; I don’t want to. In my heart, I know nothing will change. No matter what I tell him, he won’t hesitate to cross the line again with another woman. These are seasoned predators, at best I’d win an enemy I don’t need.

I realized that day that a woman’s body might be a work of art, but the world is not an art gallery.

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