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My Body My Weapon
In yoga class the other day, I noticed this exceptionally beautiful girl with an equally beautiful figure, and I thought to myself, “How did she do that?”
I wasn’t so interested in the way she kept herself slim and fit as much as how easily she moved her body while being a bystander. She flaunts it you can even say. Both men and women noticed her, and no matter how twisted or contorted she was, she struck every pose like a pro, thus revealing even the most intimate parts at times.
Of course, she’s not the only woman on earth who isn’t ashamed to show herself off, luckily, that’s not a problem for them. But for others, it’s a big problem, including me.
I grew up in an unsafe environment, be it emotionally, physically or sexually, and while I have never actually been sexually abused (some incidents are still questionable), the threat was always there, As a young child and teenager, I sensed the danger. My subconscious mind was always on high alert, ready to be attacked, and had a list of ways to protect myself that only my adolescent mind could have come up with.
Physical abuse is rampant in my house, even with the slightest infraction, so there is a real threat of abuse. However, coupled with the perverseness of an unhealthy male role model, I was never able to safely flaunt myself for fear of any negative repercussions, so I discovered unhealthy ways like weight gain that stayed with me into adulthood .
I’m too immature, too confused to know better, just trying to survive a situation I don’t know the way out of, and since your subconscious mind works for one purpose, and only one purpose – to preserve – you can Anything you want to do has to be done.
Most 14 year old girls are not emotionally strong enough and don’t know how to use their minds to protect their bodies. They don’t know what to say, how to say it, or the confidence it takes to hold someone back, so what’s a girl to do?
Anything that makes sense in the moment.
I unconsciously thought that since men are only attracted to really attractive women, I would make myself unattractive because who wants an overweight guy? We know that’s not true, but as a girl, I don’t. I thought all my self worth was tied to how I looked and being fat was my secret survival weapon.
You don’t realize it when you’re in it. You just act, or act, in whatever way makes the most sense to you at the time, and the message I get is that being skinny is horrible because it draws attention from a lot of people I don’t want, so whenever I approach it, All the red flags went up, the warning signs went off, and I gained weight. If I lose it, I gain it back, if I don’t just diet, I gain it, which has put me in a perpetual cycle of gain/lose gain/lose for 30+ years.
Knowing nothing about it all led to feelings of worthlessness, a belief that I lacked willpower, and rampant self-criticism, which didn’t help; instead of using my mind to drive forward, it became my worst enemy, further forcing I believed that I was actually a miserable loser, as I was told, thereby exacerbating my already debilitating and deteriorating state of mind that was far from connected to reality.
With no choice, my wounded mind chose all it knew, which was to use my body as my weapon, but unfortunately, not in a cool secret agent way. Instead, I built a protective suit of fat armor designed to stop any unwanted progress, and it worked.
Externally, I hate myself. Inside, my green light went off. I don’t have pillow talk and this is fine for me. The more fat I have, the safer I am. No one wants a fat chick, and I’ve been beating myself up for my lack of willpower and my inability to control my diet. It didn’t even help when I was dating someone who was safe. In my opinion, all men take too many risks.
It wasn’t until my mind matured and I became more certain that I was in control of my situation that I declared a ceasefire and finally ended the cycle of abuse. All the diets in the world will never solve the mystery of why my weight has been fluctuating for so many years because it has nothing to do with counting calories. The problem obviously goes much deeper than that and requires a thorough interrogation that only I can unravel. If I never realized it, I would still feel like a failure when it came to my weight.
Knowing the hidden reasons why your weight doesn’t change is mandatory to have even the slightest chance of living a naturally slim lifestyle. When you’re ready to tear down the layers and uproot the barriers that stand between you and your ideal body, breakthroughs will come in waves, making it easier to apply what you already know about eating right and exercising all knowledge.
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