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Domestic Violence Intervention – The Right Help For an Abusive Relationship

Domestic violence is considered a “condition” to exist in an intimate relationship. But its source is internal, meaning it comes from a person—the perpetrator. Most people would agree that this is true.

I often hear domestic violence survivors tell me that they want to help their partners once they understand the psychological issues behind their inappropriately abusive behavior. The question is, how?

abuser as victim

Months, and in some cases, may have passed as the survivor struggled with the abusive relationship, or simply left. Then in a moment of vulnerability, usually after an intense violent altercation, the perpetrator may somehow share memories of his childhood being abused, beaten and/or tortured.

His partner poured out empathy as she went from his victim to his caretaker. She realized that he had been where she was now. She sees the “battered little boy” inside and she wants to help him.

Suddenly, what happened to her is happening to “us” because of what happened to him. She recognizes that some psychological “fix” is in order, and for the sake of their relationship, she tries to ensure it for her partner.

Psychological Repair for Victim-Abusers

After determining that their abusive issues stemmed from his lingering past, she sought mental health intervention to help him. In her view, if her partner has a bleeding ulcer, it’s no different than finding a GI specialist.

Her efforts to find the “right” psychotherapy for him were pure and his mind was open to trying the counseling she found for him. The question is, will it work?

The only problem with this picture is that the perpetrator ended up getting general psychotherapy. He underwent psychotherapy to help him unravel his past and better understand its relevance to what existed in his current intimate relationships.

While insight and new-found perspective are nice, on their own, it doesn’t stop the beating. It will not stop abusive thoughts and actions. It doesn’t “fix” abuse.

Psychotherapy and Domestic Violence Treatment

On the other hand, interventions specifically aimed at changing abusive thinking and behavior would motivate the outcomes these couples seek. Sadly, they don’t know they’re not getting proper intervention until it’s too late.

We often see couples in abusive relationships who put serious effort into psychotherapy to fix the abuser or repair their marriage, and they end up engaging in the same patterns of interaction throughout and after psychotherapy.

Had these couples instead taken their abuse issues to real abuse experts (rather than someone who just said they were an abuse expert), the outcome could have been very different. The outcome of treatment may be their desired change in interactive behavior.

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